Dark Nights of Soul Pain and a Ritual for Transmutation
What stormy painful emotions are you experiencing now and what do you see as old emotional patterns surfacing to come into your awareness to be healed and let go? Do you find yourself lost and disoriented?
My loud ache regarding self-worth challenge me again and again and guide me always towards radical self acceptance. What situations trigger this feeling? The days of coping by blaming or pointing the problem elsewhere to bandaid my uncomfortable feelings are slowly diminishing - and anytime I feel I don’t deserve something whilst earnestly desiring it points to a place within me I haven’t loved enough yet. Changes come through visceral experience and meaning.
A rejection related to work came through an email. It triggered me into a full-fledged contesting my basic worthiness, spiraling into an aching hollowing of my self-esteem. I gave this rejection email so much power to disown my worth, turning my mind against myself, finding any lead and evidence to prove that “I am not good”. Worst is, I felt bad about feeling bad. I tried to crawl out of it, mocking its significance. Whatever the trigger, the emotions were full on.
I try to see the patterns and try to understand what put these emotional and mental cues in place. Going deeper into a trigger, instead of deflecting it. This is where new mental/emotional routes are possible. Being in it, watching it at the same time. Amidst it, I asked myself, why am I looking for evidence that this ‘I’m not good, I'm not worthy’ is true. I allowed myself feel into the discomfort of it, owning it as an aspect of me. It is okay to want approval. And this deathly fear of feeling ‘insignificant’ was of a child who needed to know the connection to love and source is maintained. To allow the emotion to unfold is a new muscle. I came to a new space. a new view.
Give yourself the chance to work through a trigger which you would rather avoid.
1. Sit comfortably. Show up exactly as you are, with all your current thoughts and emotions.
2. Breathe as you breathe, just become aware of it.
3. Notice the quality of your breath, and feel into how it moves in your body.
4. When your mind starts to try to ‘figure things out’ gently direct your attention back to your senses, the emotional resonance in your body. Amplify it and make it ‘warm’. where do you feel it? In your heart? Your stomach? Allow it. It is okay to feel how you feel. What could be the source need? Could it be you need a sense of connection or significance?
5. Embrace this need. It is right to be there.
6. Fade out the external circumstance and feel out the emotional resonance that this event left you with.
This is the material that needs transmutation. Ask yourself, what are you supposed to see so that it could be healed? What are you supposed to learn? If nothing comes up, it’s okay to just be with the feeling. Ask for clarity to come when it’s supposed to come.
7. Let a benevolent Light flow in from above your head down into your body, filling your body with light and continuing to flow down through your feet. Think of a color that feels good for you and send it to the part of your body that needs it.
8. If there are any words or thoughts that come up as a message, speak it out loud to close your Ritual.